Oregon Football – The Only Reason I’m Glad that I Don’t have a HDTV

Anyone who saw the Pioneer PureVision Las Vegas Bowl saw the latest step in Oregon’s quest to find the most hideous uniform combination in the history of football. Holy crap, take a look at this:

In what is unfortunately NOT a Photoshopped picture, the Ducks tried their hardest to give everyone in the stands (and watching at home) epileptic seizures that will last for days. While it may have been cheaper to give everyone in the stands acid, Oregon decided to…uh…um…damn it. I lost my train of thought just thinking about those glow in the dark monstrosities helmets. Flames. On a helmet. Unbelievable. I think the biggest irony of the whole deal may be that the bowl game was sponsored by an HDTV company.

Let’s look back at some of Oregon’s past Halloween costumes uniforms. There were the tops with at least 15 different shades of green mixed with neon yellow. Then this year, they added the chrome pattern on the shoulders and knees. And now the sun helmets. Throw in a couple of the players that are wearing yet another shade of yellow on their shoes and you’ve got Oregon football. Yikes.

What the hell is going on in Fayetteville?

Alright, we all know that Houston Nutt couldn’t successfully coach his way to an SEC title. So no surprise there. Even though the genetic mutation in the backfield (McSuperman) kept it interesting. So what the heck is the news in the Arkansas camp now? Little league has taken the SEC by storm. Some of the players’ parents met with AD Frank Broyles to express concerns that they were “misled” during the recruiting process about how the offense would be run.

Hey, guess what? Offenses can evolve as the season progresses. Especially when the best passer on the team happens to be the super athlete that is your tailback. Now I don’t know what games these parents were watching, but for the rest of America that saw McFadden carry the Hog’s offense, it’s a no-brainer as to how the offense should have been run. And what the heck is Mustain’s complaint all about anyways? He had more playing time than any of the other quarterbacks in the Arkansas squad. I can only imagine the conversation between Mitch and his parents.

Since all that wasn’t enough, Damian Williams is on his way out. I don’t know how much Houston Nutt is getting paid, but it’s probably not enough.

And to top it all off, Arkansas has decided to change the lyrics to their fight song. Wow.

Know what’s great about the numbers 16, 24, and 32 in college football? This. And this. And of course, this. The one thing that Division I-AA, Division II, and Division III football have on Division IA. A playoff system. As those brackets show, there are plenty of ways to work out a playoff system for major college football. Now don’t get me wrong. The BCS isn’t a complete waste. It has matched better teams for the national title. In years past, if there were only two undefeated teams, there was a chance that they might not even play for the national title because of conference tie-ins with certain bowl games. At least the BCS will match two teams if they are the only undefeated teams in the nation. Unless one of the teams is Boise State. But the problem is what if no team goes undefeated? What if three teams go undefeated? Remember the Auburn fiasco of 2004/5?

With a playoff system, there’s no way this happens. There’s no problem with having 3 or more undefeated teams. Hell, it just makes things that much more fun. While this mind blowing concept is lost on the ancients that actually control these things, the rest of us are left screaming “WHY?!?!” Another fun idea with a playoff is that all the schools that traditionally have no shot at a national title will at least have a chance. Let’s use Boise State, for example. This year, the Broncos are undefeated and not were not even considered to play for the national title. And that’s because of the strength of schedule factor. Well, that and the most exciting thing that usually happens in the Broncos stadium is the birds smacking the field. No, seriously. Because of the color of BS’s turf, birds have trouble figuring out that the turf isn’t water. So…SMACK!

Enjoy this blog while it's here, guys. NLC probably just pissed off PETA. Or just wait until PETA learns about what the blue turf does to birds. Boise will probably have to have --gasp-- green turf after that. Or maybe orange. This could be interesting.

Teams like Boise State should be lobbying the hardest for a playoff system. Since there apparently is no way in hell they’ll otherwise get into the title game.

Until there is a playoff system, the turf's
not the only thing that will always be blue
in Boise.

Heisman Trophy Presentation and the Hours Before...

Congrats to Troy Smith of Ohio State for wrapping up the Heisman this past Saturday night. Another congrats should be given to all three finalists for staying awake for the 37 and a half hours that was the Heisman Trophy presentation. I don’t know how these guys stood it because after fifteen minutes in I was screaming, “Just freaking tell us! Who’s the damn winner?!?!”

If you happened to flip to ESPN Classic on Saturday before the presentation, they were showing games that the Heisman finalists played throughout the year. And who do they show against the McFadden Razorbacks? South Carolina, of course. Yep, those bastards at ESPN had to show Darren McFadden raping the Carolina defense. Again. Because it wasn’t bad enough the first time.

Darren McFadden runs through the South
Carolina defense. Again.

What were the other games shown? Brady Quinn against Michigan State. Remember that comeback that MSU just threw out there to Quinn and the Irish? Yep, that’s the one. Troy Smith against the Wolverines (which is probably the only game in recent memory to actually live up to the colossal hype surrounding the game). Notice a trend here? Basically, ESPN chose the game that was a signature game for the finalists. And here we are, McFadden’s launching pad to the Heisman. Fanfuckingtastic.

Walt Harris, "Whatever happened to 3 strikes?"

Well, old Walt got sacked after the longest ever two year stint. After going 5 – 6 in year one and 1 – 11 this past year, the Cardinal AD gave Harris his marching orders. With all the excitement that comes with Stanford football, how could you not have expected more from the ex-coach? The Cardinal has standards, damn it! Just look at this crowd ready to go and brimming with optimism.

Because nothing says football greatness like Stanford Cardinal football.

SEC Championship

Congrats to the Florida Gators for winning the SEC title game. The Gators should lose points for Urban Myer's constant bitching however. Instead, this seemed to be what put them into the BCS title game over Michigan. Can’t you just hear Urban Myer right up to the announcement? “The BCS system isn’t fair. Louisville, Boise State, Michigan, and our guys all have a claim to be in the title game. We all deserve a shot. Until there is a playoff, things are never going to be… What? We’re in?!?! Hell yeah! Playoff system? What playoff system? Screw that, the current system is just fine.”

Florida Gators head coach, Urban Myer.

Back to the game, how in the name of Zeus’s whore did the Florida defense keep conquering hero, Attila the Hun, Darren McFadden under 75 yards rushing? And Felix Jones under 60 in the same game? All this with Charlie Strong as the defensive coordinator. Wow. Simply, wow.

ACC Championship

Wake Forest wins the ACC. Read it again and let that sink in. Something that only a few months ago sounded crazier than Mangino turning down a cheeseburger. 5 field goals in an offensive explosion in the Orange Bowl. What? That wasn’t the Orange Bowl? But the place was empty and everyone knows that the only empty stadium in Florida is the Orange Bowl. Oh. Whoops.

Mangino in real life and in EA's NCAA
Football. Wow, EA fucked up, big time.

I see that Jim Grobe has decided to keep Riley Skinner as his fullback/quarterback. The guy had more blocks than a supermodel at a bar. And Riley was still able to chunk the ball a good ways down the field on the game winning drive. Infuckingcredible. He’s like Darren McFadden, but without the superhuman genetic mutations that allow McFadden to play every position on the field except kicker. At the same time. And that kicker thing will probably be showcased in the Arkansas bowl game.

UCLA Over Southern Cal, Holy Crap!

Major props to UCLA for knocking Southern Cal out of the BCS title game. The best part of the whole game could possibly be when John David Booty threw the pick at the very end and the camera man zoomed in on the girl with a Trojan shirt that said “Booty Call.” Genius marketing. You know you’re picturing it right now. A girl with a Trojans shirt that says booty call.

Maybe that girl needs to make this guy's day.

Gary Barnett, the Next Coach at Arizona State

Even though he hasn’t been linked at Always Something Univ. yet, you know he’s the perfect candidate. Remember why Gary left the Buffs? Sex scandals. And what is ASU known for? Sex scandals. End of interview. When can you start?

Let’s go back down mammary memory lane. Barnett at Northwestern? Big 10 champs. Barnett at Colorado? Big 12 North champions 4 times and also a Big 12 winner. The perfect candidate to unseat Pete Carroll’s ass from the Pac 10 throne? Definitely. Because when sex scandals are already expected, they aren’t a hindrance. Just look at this quote from ESPN: “ ‘I definitely will go back if it's the right place, the right thing,’ Barnett said in a phone interview from his home in Arizona.” I know exactly what you all are thinking. “Sweet Jesus, he’s already in Arizona.” Exactly. And Gary, try to see if you can use Ms. Courtney Cox Simpson as a recruiting tool.

Use the porn star, Gary. Use it.

Mark my words, when Barnett is announced as the head coach at Arizona State, 99.9% of recruits that haven’t committed will immediately look at Arizona State. The man has a proven history and so does the university. 18 year old young men will be able to put this together.

A student at ASU just misses an
appearance by Courtney.